credit card
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SHOPPING...1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
2. If it's on sale, you need it.
3. Never ask your mother her opinion.
4. You can always take it back.
5. You'll grow into it.
6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".
8. If they're working on commission, they're lying.
9. Know when to yell, "Charge!"
10. So many malls, so little time.
11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.
12. Always try to spend someone else's money first.
13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.
14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
15. If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.
16. You can always get more credit.
17. If you want it, you deserve it.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself
with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence
aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex
gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat
screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy
information to the crew--like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's
screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The
colonel's on the way!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France.
Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite
works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the
beautiful French women. Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you
didn't like about France?"
"Well," Bob replies, "there was one thing that was strange
about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink,
even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your
colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out." So Joe says,
"Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?"
_____________________________________________________________
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended
graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said
she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller
said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that
Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's
left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked me up and down and said, "Hey, you have two different
colored socks on."
I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I
go by thickness."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like two
pounds of Polish sausage, please."
The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me
ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would
you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German
bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked
for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or,
if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,
all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because
I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is a dry cleaners."
_____________________________________________________________
WHAT FOR
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat, or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 .00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following conversation took place one morning between a
wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government
cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks
like the government is going to cut the military forces. They
are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm
sure you'll miss your mother when she's gone."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was
running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman,
"We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter
out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on
the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
_____________________________________________________________
CREDIT CARD
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW CHILDREN VIEW RETIREMENT
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
"They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
"At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
RINGS OBSESSION
Movie fans are camping for 20 days in a cinema queue for tickets to the final Lord Of The Rings film Return Of The King in Oslo, Norway.
* EXPLOSIVE WASH
A man tried to get rid of a paint stain on his trousers by putting a litre (0.2 gallons) of petrol in his washing machine - and blew up his flat in Moscow.
* THE SIMPSONS RELIGION
A Scottish church is to run a course on the Gospel according to The Simpsons to try to boost congregations. Church leaders at Holburn West Church in Aberdeen say the adventures of Homer and his family are an ideal way to explore moral and religious dilemmas.
* HITLER DOG
A German man is to appear in court charged with teaching his dog to give the Hitler salute. The black sheepdog-mix, named Adolf, has been taught to lift his right front paw up straight in the salute on command.
* FLOOD VICTIM RICH THANKS TO HIS SETTEE
An Austrian flood victim found $57,600 (GBP36,000) hidden down the back of his settee. The man, from the Oberoesterreich region, was affected by a flood which left most of his furniture soaking wet.
* POLICE ARREST DRUNK CROW
Police in Germany caught a crow that had been attacking pedestrians by getting the bird drunk on schnapps. One woman fell to the ground when the large black bird swooped down on her in Dortmund. A seven-year-old girl was also attacked, police say.
* MILLIPEDES STOP TRAIN
A train was brought to a halt in the mountains of Japan - by a swarm of millipedes. Millipedes up to six centimetres (2.3 inches) long covered a 400-metre (1,310-foot) stretch of track near Osaka, western Japan. The single-carriage train, carrying only two passengers, skidded to a halt after crushing lots of the insects.
* BUY THE MOON
Australian estate agents are selling one-acre areas of the moon for around $40 (GBP25) and 10-acre (four-hectare) "lifestyle" blocks for around $208 (GBP130). Lunar Realty, based in Melbourne, has bought the Australian rights to sell the land from Nevada-based entrepreneur Dennis Hope.
* BEAN MAD
Madcap baked bean fanatic Captain Beanny, 48, who paints himself orange, has been declared an official tourist attraction in Port Talbot, Wales.
posted by plainsay @ 10:59 PM
0 comments
