Jim and Bill were at a bar drinking, and Jim said, "Today's my
birthday!" Bill repiled, "Wow, it's mine too!" They
looked at each other
and exclaimed, "Let's get drunk!"
They continued drinking; then Jim said, "I went shopping for my
dear old
mother last night. Her name's Eliza." To which Bill said,
"Really?
That's my mother's name too!" They looked at each other and
exclaimed,
"Let's get drunk!"
Later, when the bar was full and all attention was on them, Jim
screamed, "I live in Glasgow. Where do you live?" Bill
replied, "I live
in Glasgow too!" They looked at each other and exclaimed,
"Let's get
drunk!"
This went on for a while, and finally a bystander asked, "Isn't
that
amazing? Perfect strangers."
The bartender replied, "Oh, them? That's just the Cullough twins
getting
drunk again."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PERSONALITY TEST
A psychology student is helping his professor conduct a personality
test. The room is set up with various props in order to move through
the
assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room starts the
test.
"How does this glass of water look to you?" asks the
professor.
Person 1 replies, "It is half empty". The student checks
'pessimist.'
A second enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to
you?"
He says, "It's half full." The student checks 'optimist.'
Person 3 enters. "How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 3 answers, "Looks like you have twice as much glass as
you need
there."
The student looks totally blank and has to consult the professor.
"Oh them!" says the professor. "I forgot to warn you
about engineers!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
A bandit made a speciality of crossing the Rio Grande to rob banks in
Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an
enterprising
Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his six-shooter to the bandit's head, and
said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
shoot."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree at the back of
the
cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost! You wouldn't dare shoot
me!'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed
for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be
careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it
on fire?'"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Q:Did you hear about the unique platypus?
A:He was unlike all the otters.
_____________________________________________________________ Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at
a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked
the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not
able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't
it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure
it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I
don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over
his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked
at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third
Street through town, go past the university and turn right
on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires.
You can't miss 'em!"
[Thanks to Readers Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband
and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully
boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try
to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to
a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word
description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
___________________________________________________________
CREATIVE PROGRAMMING
In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:
%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
#Please login.
%>login God
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
#USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
%>NEW
#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
%>God
#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
%>who is God
#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
#And NEW logged off
posted by plainsay @ 10:57 PM
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